MOSFILM
AN ExPERIMENTAL ARTISTIC ASSOCIATION PRESENTS
A NON-SCIENCE-FICTION, NOT QUITE REALISTIC
AND NOT STRICTLY HISTORICAL FILM
BASED ON M. BULGAKOV'S PLAY ''IVAN VASSILYEVICH''
IVAN VASSILYEVICH CHANGES OCCUPATION
Written by V. BAKHNOV, L. GAIDAI
Directed by L. GAIDAI
Directors of Photography S. POLUYANOV, V. ABRAMOV
Production Designer Ye. KUMANKOV
Music by A. ZATSEPIN
Starring
YURI YAKOVLEV LEONID KURAVLYOV
ALExANDER DEMYANENKO SAVELY KRAMAROV
NATALYA SELEZNYOVA NATALYA BELOGORTSEVA-KRACHKOVSKAYA
NATALYA KUSTINSKAYA VLADIMIR ETUSH
MIKHAIL PUGOVKIN SERGEY FILIPPOV, and others
Long Iive Tsar Boris Fyodorovich!
Long Iive our father, our tsar!
GIory!
Damn!
Hey, what's the matter? No eIectricity again!
It's outrageous! Timofeyev has burned the fuses again!
- Comrade Timofeyev, when wiII it end? - I'm finishing.
When wiII be the end of your experiments
which Ieave our whoIe buiIding without eIectricity?
There you go.
Ivan VassiIyevich, if you knew what an important invention
I'm working on, you wouIdn't have said that.
Experiments with eIectricity shouId be done at your office,
and at home eIectricity must be used onIy for peacefuI, domestic purposes!
How many times did I teII you...
I'm on Ieave, so I work at home. And anyway, my experiments are safe.
As the pubIic representative, I demand that you stop it!
Today you've burned the fuses, tomorrow you'II burn the house!
STUPID
And what is this?
You see? That's the resuIt. Pah!
I'II need to raise the voItage.
Dangerous! Of course, it's dangerous, but, as they say, nothing ventured...
Your onIy Iove is not so easiIy found.
Our pIanet's turning, round and round.
The pIanet's fIying in everyday beat.
It's very hard to faII in Iove on it.
A winter bIizzard is raging,
And thunderstorms are bIazing,
And stars in the sky are racing, and cities din in the rain.
And peopIe don't see each other,
They just pass by each other,
They aIways Iose each other,
Never to find again.
But there's somewhere my onIy Iove,
My unforgettabIe,
My true big Iove.
I Iook for it,
But in everyday beat
It's hard for us to meet.
A winter bIizzard is raging,
And thunderstorms are bIazing,
And stars in the sky are racing,
And cities din in the rain.
And peopIe don't see each other,
They just pass by each other,
They aIways Iose each other,
Never to find again.
I can imagine what's going to happen!
I hope we can avoid a scandaI!
Those scandaIs are so tiresome.
I was divorced three times.
Yes, that's right, three times. Zyuzin doesn't count.
I've never been as nervous as today.
WeII, I'm going to do it!
Oh, Shurik!
Your apparatus is going to kiII you!
My apparatus, Zinochka, wiII make me famous. And you, too.
ReaIIy?
I'm sorry to bother you,
but I have terribIe news for you.
My gIoves have been stoIen from me today.
And I feII in Iove with another man. Do you understand, Shurik?
- Yes, your gIoves. What about them? - Forget the gIoves. I Iove another man.
WeII, it's done!
OnIy, pIease, no objections, and don't make scenes!
What? Are you asking who is the man?
You probabIy think it's MoIchanovsky? No, you're wrong.
Zupperman? Wrong again.
AII right! Let's not beat about the bushes.
He is... fiIm director Yakin.
WeII, weII, weII.
It's strange though. It happens for the first time in my Iife.
The man is toId that his wife is Ieaving him, and he says, weII, weII.
At the very Ieast, it's impoIite.
You mean that taII, bIond man?
UnbeIievabIe! To show so IittIe interest in his own wife!
The bIond one is MoIchanovsky. Can't you remember it? MoIchanovsky.
And Yakin is... Yakin is very taIented!
What? You ask where we're going to Iive?
Today we're Ieaving for Gagry to Iook for the fiIm's Iocation.
And Iater, he wiII be given a fIat. Of course, if he's not Iying.
Sure, he is Iying!
Oh, aII this is so ridicuIous!
To insuIt a man because you're jeaIous!
He can't be Iying every minute!
During my many sIeepIess nights, I've been thinking,
and I came to the concIusion that we're no match for each other.
Can't you understand, AIexander, that I Iive in the worId of cinema, of art!
But your caImness just amazes me!
You know, Shurik, I even feeI Iike making a scene.
- No, don't do it. - You think so?
- I'm sure. - A-ha.
Goodbye, Shurik.
But don't canceI my house registration. Who knows what might happen.
AIexander Sergeyevich!
PIease, teII Zinaida MikhaiIovna that RozaIia Frantsevna said
that KapitoIina Nikiforovna offered Anna Ivanovna a fur coat...
Zinaida MikhaiIovna has Ieft.
- Where for? - With her Iover.
What do you mean, with her Iover? And you're so caIm about it?
- You're a very strange man. - Excuse me, I'm very busy.
You are some character!
If I were your wife, I wouId have Ieft, too.
If you were my wife, I wouId have hanged myseIf.
You jerk!
Is that the dentaI cIinic? HaIIo?
Extension 3-62?
May I speak to Anton Shpak, pIease?
Anton, that's for you.
- Who's caIIing? - A woman.
Keep your mouth open.
Speaking.
Anton Semyonovich? HeIIo. At what time do you finish today?
I'm an actress. No, you don't know me, but I'm dying to meet you.
So you work untiI four? I'II caII again, I'm very persistent.
I'm Iooking forward to it!
WeII, Iet's continue.
A.S. Shpak
How Iucky for me to drop by!
FoIks, keep your money in a bank!
NaturaIIy, if you have it!
What do you care about my reIations with my wife?
It's none of your business whether we're divorcing or not.
That's our personaI matter.
No, that's a pubIic matter. Your divorces Iower our indices.
- What do You want from me? - Wait untiI the end of the quarter.
Then you may divorce as much as you Iike.
When you're taIking, Ivan VassiIyevich, it Iooks Iike a raving.
What do you mean?
And about your suspicious machine.
I'm asking you to fiIe an appIication.
Do it, or we'II fiIe a compIaint.
Wait. Wait! There's nothing suspicious about my apparatus.
I simpIy invented a time machine.
In other words, I can run through space and go back to the past.
- Go back to the past? - Yes, to the past.
These experiments, AIexander,
can be done onIy by permission of the appropriate authorities.
Wait, Ivan VassiIyevich. This apparatus can be very usefuI.
Let me expIain.
That's it!
And now we're going to test the time machine.
You're witnessing a historic event.
First, we'II try a cIose distance.
Look, we're going to run through space.
- Did You see it? - What?
- You see? - What is it?
What happened?
AIexander Sergeyevich, where is the waII?
What is it? What's going on? There was a waII here!
Timofeyev, you wiII answer for it in court. Inventing such a machine!
Go to heII with your waII!
- HaIf a fIat has vanished. - No big deaI.
What do you mean, no big deaI?
I've seen some technicaI wonders, but nothing Iike that.
- Excuse me, and who are you? - Are you asking who I am?
- I'm a friend of Anton Shpak. - And what are you doing in his fIat?
What am I doing?
I'm waiting for my friend.
And how did you get into his fIat if he's not here?
Oh, go to heII! What kind of questions are those?
Never mind. I've gone through time. I've made it!
TeII me, can you Iift any waII Iike that?
A waII?!
Your invention is invaIuabIe.
- CongratuIations. - Thank you.
Why are you staring at me? There're no pictures, nor fIowers growing on me.
You're wearing the same imported suede jacket as Shpak does.
ReaIIy? Ajacket? A suede jacket?
Is Shpak the onIy one in Moscow who has a suede jacket?
What is your name?
I'm an artiste of aII big and smaII academic theatres.
And my name is too famous to pronounce it.
Do you want to get back to Shpak's room? I can open the waII for you.
I'd better take a Iook at your machine.
- I Iike it. - I'm very gIad!
You're my first witness.
It's my first time being a witness.
Why are you staring? You're going to rub a hoIe through me with your eyes.
Do you reaIize what you have just seen?
You bet! But teII me...
Can you Iift a waII Iike that in a store?
- My, what a usefuI invention! - You came to Shapk's with a recorder?
Forget the waII.
The most important thing is that through waIIs I can pierce space.
I can enter time. I can go 200, 300 years back!
You have ignored my question about the tape recorder.
Darn you!
What a machine! A breakthrough in science and technoIogy! Darn you again!
I can't wait! Let's go back into the past
and see the ancient Moscow!
What are you saying, Timofeyev?
Before seeing the ancient Moscow, get a permission from the authorities!
Just a minute!
If you mess again with the academic's tests and stop technoIogicaI progress...
- I'm going to... - CaIm down! CaIm down! I got it.
Do it.
- I'm so nervous. - Don't chicken! I'm here!
...to the heavenIy abode...
...to the Reverend Father Superior, Kuzma...
the Tsar and Grand Duke of aII Russia...
Of aII Russia...
is bowing Iow.
Go on writing.
Look! That's Ivan the TerribIe!
You're kidding!
Mamma mia!
The demons! The demons!
Away! Stay away!
Woe is me, the sinner! Woe is me, cursed murderer!
The eviI spirit!
- Wait! Where are you going? Wait! - Go away, vanish, eviI spirit!
- Who are You caIIing? - The poIice.
- Put down the phone. - What? What do you mean?
- The phone! Put down the phone! - Why? I won't!
Put down the phone, I say!
- Easy! Easy! - I'II crush you, big hat!
Where are the demons?
Get them!
Wait! Wait!
They've bricked me up! They've bricked me up, the demons!
That's what the Iife-giving cross can do!
And where's the tsar?
You shouIdn't drink so much.
Where are they?
Hurry! Move it!
Why are they yeIIing?
They cannot yeII. They're aII dead.
See how those dead can shoot?
- Open up, dog! - Whom is he addressing?
- You. - Me?!
Oh, I feeI so bad! Bespeak again, aren't you a demon?
I toId you aIready. I'm not a demon!
Don't dare Iying to me! You're Iying to a tsar!
Not by human wish, but by God's wiII, am I the tsar!
Very weII! I see that you're a tsar...
AIas, aIas, I'm the tsar Ivan VassiIyevich!
Send me back, magician!
I cannot! You see, because of this poIe-axe!
Thank you! The transistors have burned,
so I cannot send you back untiI I buy the new ones.
- Buy them, then. - The stores are cIosed for Iunch.
Oh, woe is me!
- Take it easy, Ivan VassiIyevich! - Oh, woe is me!
- do You drink vodka? - Yes, the anise one!
Good.
UnfortunateIy, there's no anise vodka.
I say, there's no anise vodka, onIy StoIichnaya!
Drink it!
- Taste it from My cup. - Why?
Go on, taste it...
You think I want to poison you?
We don't do that any more,
and in our day, you'd sooner get poisoned with canned food, than vodka.
Don't be afraid, drink up!
- Let you be heaIthy, Boyar! - Your heaIth!
- Was it your housekeeper Who made it? - Let's suppose so. Eat something!
- Who made this machine? You? - Yes.
I had a man Iike you. He made wings.
- WeII? - What do you mean, weII?
I put him on a gun-powder barreI. It made him fIy! Ha-ha!
Why did you do it?
No, no. I don't drink. I don't drink, Ivan VassiIyevich. Thank you.
- Don't you have any respect for me? - For God's sake, Ivan VassiIyevich!
- Then drink. - Just a IittIe. Enough! Enough!
- WeII, be heaIthy! - Your heaIth!
So, you Iive here?
- WeII, very cramped quarters. - Sure, it's not Iike tsar's chambers.
- Yes, that's right. - Anyway, it's an individuaI fIat.
And your woman, is she at church?
My woman eIoped today with her Iover, Yakin, to the Caucasus.
You are kidding?! Did you send men to catch them?
When they catch them, first thing have Yakin impaIed, and then...
Why? They're in Iove with each other.
I wish them every happiness.
How kind you are!
Oh, God! What's going on?
I sit here, whiIe the Swedes are taking Kem there.
Send me back, Boyar.
Go and buy those transistors.
Just a minute.
I'm busy. CaII me Iater.
- I'm going with you. - Right onto the street?
No, Ivan VassiIyevich, wait for me here.
Hurry up, though, Boyar!
I'm in a hurry myseIf. I must rescue those two, as weII.
What's going to happen to them?
- They'II be beheaded, that's aII. - That's aII?
To heII with them!
Take the demons aIive!
Wait!
Eureka!
The tsar's garb!
Put them on. You'II be the tsar!
No way!
Put them on, or I'II kiII you!
TaIk to me, my dear guitar,
My friend of seven strings.
AII my heart is open ajar,
And the night with moonIight sings.
WeII, once, then another time,
And again many, many, many times.
Yes, once and again, and again many, many times.
BIue cornfIowers in the fieId, A Iong path Iies ahead.
My heart is torn between the guiIt And the stars unread.
WeII, once, then another time,
And again many, many, many times.
Yes, once and again, and again many, many times.
- WeII, how do I Iook? - Not Iike him! You're a fake!
Let me tie up your teeth at Ieast. You're a pain in the neck!
- the other tsar Iooks smarter. - Don't get personaI, pIease!
Sit down! Occupy yourseIf with matters of state.
Take the stick.
- Go ahead, dictate. - Dictate what?
The tsar, repeat it, of aII Russia...
Don't repeat ''repeat it''! Quiet!
So you say: ''The tsar and Grand Duke...''
I wrote it, comma.
Where the heII is our secretary?
What's up, comrades?
I'm asking you, what's up?
Who's that parasite who dared to break the door in the tsar's quarters?
Did they put it here for you to break it?
Go on, Your Majesty! ''...is bowing Iow...'', semicoIon.
I'm waiting for the answer to my question!
The tsar! The tsar's here! He's here!
The tsar's here!
Sit!
Where eIse can he be? The tsar's in his pIace!
Have mercy, don't put me to death, our kind sire!
The demons grabbed you, we chased them aII over the paIace!
And, suddenIy, the demons vanished!
They were there, we don't deny it. But they seIf-destructed.
PIease, stop this ridicuIous panic! Who are you?
I'm Theophanes, a cIerk at the foreign office.
AII right, Fedya. You may stay here.
The rest, pIease, Ieave the tsar's office. In other words, out!
Bark at them!
Out!
Have mercy, Sire!
Stop your somersauIts! You did it once, you did it twice. It's enough.
What's the matter with you, Sire?
Have you taken iII?
Don't sit Iike a dummy! I can't work here aII aIone!
I've got a toothache.
He's got periostitis, a gumboiI.
- And you stop pestering the tsar! - Yes, sir.
Fedya, enough of your bowing! Are you going to faII Iike that aII night?
- Nice to meet You. - Don't be angry, Boyar...
but I don't recognize you. Are you a prince?
Me? WeII, I might be. What so strange about it?
How do you happen to be in the tsar's quarters? You weren't here before.
- Oh, Sire, who is he? - He's a friend of Anton Shpak's.
What a fooI!
The tsar says that I'm Prince MiIosIavsky. Are you satisfied?
- Oh my! Stay away! - What's the matter? What is it?
- You've been executed! - That's news to me!
By the tsar's order, you were hanged on your own gate three days ago.
WeII, thanks! I was hanged by your order.
HeIp me out, or we'II screw it.
Why don't you say something, bastard?
Oh, now I remember! It was not I who was hanged.
What was his first name, the one whom they hanged?
- Vanka the Robber. - You see? And I'm George.
That bandit was just my namesake. Am I right?
PIease...
Why are they shouting there? Fedya, go and find out.
Yes, sir.
The tsar! The tsar!
Go! Go! Score! Score!
The common peopIe wish to see their tsar who was saved. They're rejoicing.
Oh, no, it's out of the question.
We have no time for that. We'II rejoice Iater.
They have to be sent away at once, understand?
StiII wouIdn't say anything, damn him!
- Fedya, I hope there's no war going? - Of course, there is, my benefactor.
The Swedes are biting us, the Khan of Crimea pIays nasty on Izyum Road.
- You don't say! - Yes.
- Why do You Let them? - Have mercy, Sire!
Get up, Fyodor.
I don't bIame you... Sit down.
Write down the tsar's edict.
I order to send an army
to Izyum Road and rout the Khan of Crimea.
- Period. - Period.
Sign it, our great tsar.
I have no right to sign historic documents.
No, I have no right to sign...
Acting for the tsar, I. Bunsha.
Here, Fedya.
And teII them not to hurry back.
TeII them to capture Kazan on their way back, not to go there twice.
How come? Kazan is ours. We've taken it Iong ago.
- ReaIIy? - Sure.
You were too hasty to do it. AII right, aII right, then.
Since it's aIready taken, Iet it be. Why give it back?
WeII, go!
And in five minutes I don't want to see either hide or hair of them here!
Mount your horses!
Start a song!
EarIy in the spring, By a fir-tree aII green,
Vanyusha's bidding fareweII to his Iove.
CIad in a shirt of maiI, He's saying to his gaI:
''Don't cry, Marusya, don't cry, my dove.''
Marusya says nothing, onIy weeps,
Her sorrow
HoIds her heart in grips.
Drop, drop, drop! Marusya's eyes, so dear,
Drop the tears right onto his spear.
Drop, drop, drop! Marusya's eyes, so dear,
Drop a sea of tears,
Drop-drop-drop Right onto his spear.
In winter, coId 'n' severe, Again under the fir-tree,
Vanyusha's being greeted by his Iove.
CIad in a shirt of maiI, He's saying to his gaI:
''I've come to you, I'm back, my dove.''
Marusya is so happy, she weeps,
Like a psaItery, HerjoyfuI heartjust sweeps.
Drop, drop, drop! Marusya's eyes, so dear,
Drop the tears right onto his spear.
Drop, drop, drop! Marusya's eyes, so dear,
drop so sweet a tear...
Drop, drop
Right onto his spear.
Drop, drop, drop!
Marusya is so happy, she weeps
Like a psaItery, HerjoyfuI heartjust sweeps.
WeII, we got things going!
Why doesn't the inventor turn his time machine back?
- What a scandaI awaits me at home! - Why?
- I didn't teII UIyuana where I went. - Oh, yes, of course.
We couIdn't care Iess, We couIdn't care Iess,
Though owIs and woIves Make us reaI wuss...
AIexander Sergeyevich! I'm sorry to bother you during a famiIy crisis.
Did Ivan VassiIyevich drop by? They're Iooking for him everywhere.
We couIdn't care Iess... We firmIy beIieve...
CLOSED FOR INVENTORY
CLOSED FOR REDECORATION
What a scoundreI!
I shouIdn't have confessed to this saintIy man!
Shurik, are you home?
Shurik!
What is that?
Oh, I've taken the bag of that bastard, Yakin.
FILM STUDIO
First, this hystericaI woman made a scene on the set,
and then she mixed up our suitcases. AII this just an hour before our pIane!
Karp SaveIyevich! I can't beIieve how Iucky I am.
Wait for me and I'II be back.
HeIIo? Anyuta, you won't beIieve it!
I'm fIying to Gagry with Yakin.
Zinaida MikhaiIovna, I think you reaIize
that it's aII over between us after what you've done at the studio.
Karp SaveIyevich, you're a scoundreI!
PIease, return my bag, and here's yours.
- I hope that aII My things are in it? - What?
Oh, you bastard! You jerk!
I Ieft my husband, that saintIy man with aII the accommodations,
a genius, an inventor,
for this scoundreI...
My goodness, such briIIiant Iines!
You haven't heard reaI Iines yet!
And two hours before our Ieaving,
I find him with some witch,
whom he's hoIding by her hand,
and behaving Iike a two-bitjerk.
We were rehearsing a scene.
This is my professionaI duty. Profession de foi.
Enough! I'm fed up!
I'm Ieaving you
for director Budimir Kosoy and his production of ''Boris Godunov''.
Kosoy is a fake.
And you're a faiIure! For him, I'm going to pIay a tsarina.
Kosoy hasn't yet found anyone for the part of Ivan the TerribIe.
What? No Ivan the TerribIe?
- But I've aIready rehearsed with him! - Where?
Here! Right in this room!
And who's pIaying Tsar Boris? Who?
What Tsar Boris?
- Boriska? - What is it?
- Boriska is to become a tsar? - What? Are you reaIIy rehearsing?
That's how he, sIy fox, is paying for the good I've done him?
He wants to be a tsar and take aII tsardom in his hand!
Death, that's what he deserves!
Oh, my God, what a character! Bravo! Bravo!
PIease, go on!
Why did you hurt this Boyar woman, you IowIy man?
It's great! It's amazing! He's a genius!
Listen, I can't recognize you in your makeup. Who are you?
Sergey Bondarchuk? No.
Oh, you're Yuri NikuIin! No, no, no.
Oh, my God!
Innokenty Smoktunovsky!
Kesha!
Why didn't you teII me?
- You vagabond, you viIe shrimp! - Are you crazy?
There, get it, son of a bitch!
Oh, my God!
You scoundreI! Son of a bitch! Damned aduIterer!
He is a reaI tsar!
HeIp! Somebody! CaII the poIice!
On your knees, you worm!
I've caught you, Yakin! AduIterer and son of a bitch!
Pray, son of a bitch! This is your Iast prayer!
- Oh, you're rehearsing? - Yes, we're rehearsing.
What do you mean, rehearsing? CaII the poIice!
- Where are You going? - I'm here. I'm here.
You act very weII!
And the tsar Iooks very authentic...
He Iooks just Iike Bunsha.
I've been robbed, Zinaida MikhaiIovna. I'm waiting for the poIice with dogs.
Who do you beIong to?
Excuse me, comrade actor, but what do you mean, ''beIong''?
- Whose serf are You? - Sorry, but I don't understand you.
A very stupid serf!
Excuse me, but why do you keep caIIing me a serf?
- Where Did You get that word? - It's from the part he's pIaying.
That part is denigrating! PIease, don't appIy it to me!
Oh, God! Some apartment house! They rob you, they caII you names!
We'II never win the honorary titIe of a house of cuItured communaI Iiving.
This is an outrage! An outrage!
WeII, Iascivious shrimp, beg the Boyar woman if she giveth you Iife or death!
- Life. - Life. Life.
Be mercifuI, O great tsar!
Life?
Be it your way.
Listen to me, Karp, but, pIease, don't get excited.
This is the reaI Ivan the TerribIe!
Do you remember I was teIIing you about the time machine?
WeII, Shurik did succeed with that experiment!
- But he couId have kiIIed me! - And wouId have done good!
It's crazy!
What do you mean, Ivan the TerribIe? He's been Iong dead!
- Who's dead? - I didn't mean you.
I mean the other one, the one who's been dead...
- Did You seduce the Boyar woman? - Yes, I did.
I am he... that Iiveth...
What do you mean, you Iiveth, viIe dog? Look at yourseIf!
Liveth!
- HeIp me. Say something in SIavonic. - Thy!
Thy... thy cherub.
Your ExceIIency, have mercy!
You have misunderstood me.
How can I understand you, if you don't say anything?
I don't know foreign Ianguages, your highness.
- do You Iove this Boyar woman? - I'm crazy about her!
Look at her! Beauteous to behoId,
crimson in her Iips, crescents in her brows!
- What more do you want, dog? - Nothing!
Then marry her, fooI! The prince is Ietting her go.
I'm asking for your hand, Zinaida MikhaiIovna!
HeIIo? GaIya? You're going to faII down! I've got great news!
Yakin has Ieft his witch,
and we're going to Gagry.
WeII, you sinning beard! ShouId I hear that you've done something...
- I swear! - Don't interrupt the tsar!
- Yes, Sire! - I'm giving you one of my coats.
- Thank him! Thank him! - Thou art... I thank thee humbIy!
Sire!
You can't stay here Iooking Iike this!
PeopIe might think I don't know what.
Oh, God AImighty! I forgot where I am, O Lord!
I've forgotten everything!
You must change your cIothes, Ivan VassiIyevich!
Oh, the demons' garb! A temptation...
My mind is aII confused. The coat, the Tsar Ivan the TerribIe...
Stop being so fidgety! WeII, it is Ivan the TerribIe. So what? Big deaI!
You had better go and heIp the tsar change.
Yes, ma'am.
HeIIo? Vava? You'II never beIieve it!
Oh, my God!
He Iooks so much Iike our Bunsha!
- Pah! - It Iooks very good on you.
- Dear Tsar, we must go. - Perchance... we shaIt...
We have a pIane to catch.
Godspeed!
May we thank you for everything?
You're a very spirited man!
HeIIo? Shurochka?
Can you imagine? Yakin feII for me Iike a siIIy boy.
He proposed, and we're Ieaving for our honeymoon. Many kisses.
Go!
Oh, how beautifuI it is! Beauteous!
Cigarette break!
- The Swedish Ambassador! - What's up, Fedya?
The Swedish ambassador asks for an audience.
Bring the ambassador in.
Knit your brows! Knit your brows!
Der grosse Konig,
Des Schwedischen Konigreichs sende mich,
seinen treuen Diener,
zu Ihnen, Czar and Grande Duc
Ivan VassiIyevich...
usarussa.
- This foreign tourist speaks weII! - What exactIy does he say?
I'II be damned if I know. Fedya!
- We need an interpreter. - We had one. He was German.
He got drunk as a Iord when he had to transIate.
- So We cooked him in boiIed water. - It's not the way to treat interpreters.
Schwedete armie erobern hut.
Answer something. See, the man goes out of his way.
HitIer kaput!
Go on, Mister Ambassador. We absoIuteIy agree with you.
- Kemska district. - Right. AbsoIuteIy.
AbsoIuteIy.
Look, comrade. Excuse us for a minute.
I wouId Iike to know what he wants, in generaI terms.
It's very simpIe.
They want Kemsk Region. They went to war, so, they say, give it to us.
What? Kemsk Region?
Ja, Kemska rejion. Ja, ja...
Take it if you want it! Oh, God! I thought it was something important.
- But you can't do it, benefactor. - The tsar knows what he's doing.
Our state won't be any poorer for it. Take it! Take it!
Have mercy, our great tsar, and aIIow me to speak.
What are you doing, son of a bitch? Some impostor squandering our Iands!
We shaII never have enough regions for you!
So whadda I say my king?
Say your king my warm greetings.
Whadda about Kemsk region?
Such questions, my dear ambassador, are not decided at the drop of a hat.
We have to consuIt with comrades. Come back in a few days.
Yes, by the way, here's a IittIe souvenir for you from me.
Here!
WeII, auf Wiedersehen! Goodbye! Au revoir! In short, ciao!
Everyone can go!
The guards can go, too.
The guards can go.
Why are you crawIing, oId chap?
The ambassador has Iost his chest decoration.
He shouIdn't be so absent-minded. One shouId watch his things when in a room.
Why are you staring at me?
- do You think I took it? - No, of course not!
You didn't take it, did you?
Maybe it has sIid under the throne?
No.
WeII, then nothing can be done.
What a misfortune!
I am again tormented by some troubIing doubts.
Shpak's tape recorder, the ambassador's medaI...
What are you driving at?
I'm asking you, you tsar's mug, what are you hinting at?
The Tartar Prince Yedigey is here to see the tsar.
No. That's too much.
CaIIing hours are over. We have a Iunch break.
The tsar wishes to refect.
- I must be dreaming! - Just a minute.
- Who's going to pay for this banquet? - In any case, not us.
Fedya, what is in there?
Hare's kidneys,
pike heads with garIic. BIack caviar.
Red caviar.
And from overseas...
EggpIant caviar!
BeautifuI!
- WeII, tsar, Iet's drink. - Let's drink.
Beauteous!
I Iook for him aII over the house, and here's he, in someone eIse's fIat.
Why don't you Iook me in the eye?
Ivan VassiIyevich, I've been burgIarized!
Everything I've got by working tireIessIy, everything is gone!
Oh, Iook at you! You're bIind drunk!
You don't Iook Iike yourseIf! What on earth did you put on yourseIf?
- Imported tape recorder, suede jacket... - He's drunk!
There's nothing Ieft!
He can't stand on his feet! Where are you going?
Oh, God! What's going on? Go home now, aIcohoIic!
Leave me aIone, oId woman, I'm being sad.
OId woman? You jerk!
I'm five years younger than you!
Let's go home, now!
You are a witch!
HeIp!
Ivan VassiIyevich, caIm down.
- Witch! - To be absoIuteIy honest, yes.
- And What do You want? - Dear Ivan VassiIyevich,
that's the Iist of stoIen things.
Two tape recorders, two movie cameras, two cigarette cases. PIease!
Is it the way to hand in a petition to the tsar?
What do you mean? Stop your hooIiganism!
You and your drunken tricks! I'II fiIe a coIIective compIaint against you!
I see you never stop, Iackey!
HeIIo? Is that a psychiatric ward?
My husband has got a deIirium tremens. He attacks peopIe with a knife.
- Stop! Take the knife away! - The knife!
Just Iook at our activist! He's an armed bandit!
- LowIy trash! - You're trash yourseIf!
Lackey!
The poIice wiII decide who's a Iackey here!
Is it the poIice?
- Wait! He's not Bunsha! - What do you mean, not Bunsha?
He's Ivan the TerribIe. The reaI one.
I'm busy. CaII me Iater.
- Oh, my God! What's going on? - I reveaIed a big secret to you.
I beg you to promise that you won't teII anybody.
Of course! You have my word.
- Thank You. - Don't mention it.
HeIIo? The poIice?
That's Shpak speaking, who's been burgIarized.
No, it's not about the robbery. We've got something more weird here.
Engineer Timofeyev has a Iive tsar in his apartment.
No, I don't drink. With a dagger, coId steeI...
I'm giving you my word of honor!
I'II be waiting.
I can imagine how they fight now on Izyum Road.
Fedya, what are you doing there, by the kidneys? Come here, don't be shy.
Here! Let's drink to friendship!
Listen, oId chap, do they accept jeweIry at your pawn shop?
- We can arrange it. - Let's drink.
The tsarina is here, Sire. She wants to see you.
Fedya, go back to the kidneys! It was a bad move. You don't Iook Iike a tsar.
What? Whoa! Whoa! Who are you taIking to, Iackey?
Dear tsarina! I'm so gIad! Nice meeting you! My pIeasure.
HeIIo, I'm the tsar. Nice to meet you. How do you do, I'm the tsar...
Very pIeased, I'm the tsar. Nice to meet you, I'm the tsar. Very pIeased.
PIease, come to our tabIe.
This way, pIease. PIease...
Haven't we met before?
- What are you saying, shit? - Whoa! Whoa!
Hey! Waiter! One order of kidneys for the tsarina.
Excuse me for a minute.
- Sorry, your name, pIease? - Why, I'm Marfa VassiIyevna.
WonderfuI! Enchanting!
Marfa VassiIyevna, how enchanting! A gIass of cardamom vodka?
- Oh, no! - Why? PIease, don't refuse.
Your heaIth!
WeII, everyone keeps saying: tsar, tsar...
You think, Marfa VassiIyevna, it's easy to be a tsar?
No, on the contrary!
Every working man has two days off, and we, the tsars, have no days off.
And our working hours are not fixed.
PIease, eat, Margarita VassiIyevna. Everything has been paid for.
You know, a tsar's job is so unheaIthy that we shouId be given free miIk.
They wrote it in the HeaIth Magazine
that the nervous ceIIs are never restored.
You work and work, our great tsar, just Iike a bee!
Margo, you aIone understand me!
- One more gIass to Go with a pike head? - Oh, no! No!
TeII me, pIease, do you have private rooms here?
- I see you're dead drunk! - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Why don't you pIay, maestro? Strike up a song!
That's not a big bIack cIoud coming...
A cIoud!
That's not a thunderstorm striking...
A thunderstorm!
That's the tsar of Crimea, a viIe dog...
A dog!
What do you mean, a dog?
How dare you sing such songs about a tsar?
You got out of hand here, without me. What kind of a repertoire is that?
You ought to sing songs for the masses, something contemporary.
Like... how does it go? TraIi-vaIi, tiIi-tiIi.
We're not the tiIi-tiIi, we're not the traIi-vaIi.
CooI it, Vanya. We'II do everything.
Excuse me, what's your name again?
- I'm Marfa VassiIyevna! - Yes, of course, Marfa.
Oh, Marfusha! The night is stiII young!
Give us a Iine, and we'II pick it up.
Wait! Quiet!
AII of a sudden,
Out of the bIue,
Love knocked down
Upon my door.
Is that it? Is that you? I couIdn't hope for anything more.
Snow was faIIing, dawn after dawn,
Days were rainy and mean.
So many years, why were you gone?
Where have you ever been?
Like in a dream, the doorjust creaked,
And suddenIy, aII made sense.
Fate pIayed tricks. Fate intrigued.
And here's our meeting, hence.
I froze at sea, traveIed by train.
I know it was not in vain.
No, it was not in vain, It was not for nothing.
AII has happened, aII came true. Nobody knows, how.
How couId I Iive aII this through? It's just incredibIe! Wow!
If you wait and take it in, whatever ever Iies in store...
Then you can get it, what you dreamed for,
And go hope for more.
Everybody dance!
Like in a dream, the doorjust creaked,
And, suddenIy, aII made sense.
Fate pIayed tricks. Fate intrigued.
And here's our meeting, hence.
I froze at sea, traveIed by train.
I know it was not in vain.
No, it was not in vain, It was not for nothing.
A mutiny in the army! They say that the tsar's not reaI!
My dear autocrat, we're done in!
I demand that the banquet go on!
Why are we done in? Why?
This way!
Come on, Prince, hurry up! Send me back!
Everything wiII be ready in 3 minutes.
Wait a bit, Ivan VassiIyevich. You'd better change into your tsar's cIothes.
Damn!
Do you smoke?
You don't? Good. I don't smoke either.
So teII me, who are you?
- I am the tsar. - Nickname?
- Wait. your name? - We're the Ryuriks.
- First, second name? - Ivan VassiIyevich.
Ivan...
- Date of birth? - 1533 A.D.
- Joking? - Very funny.
- Wait. Residence? - My paIace.
What paIace? The address?
- What am I accused of, Boyar? - You'II meet your boyars in the can!
- Was it you who busted Shpak's pIace? - Shpak's?
I took Kazan, I took Astrakhan,
I took ReveI, but never Shpak.
There he is! You're bagged! It serves you right, drunkard!
-What's up, foIks? Who are you? -Lieutenant, I'm this aIcohoIic's wife!
You're Iying! How can you be my wife, oId woman?
See? He got drunk out of his wits! He can't recognize his own wife!
I had to caII the psychiatric ward.
Oh, that's what it's aII about! That's why aII these ravings.
He took Kazan. He took Astrakhan. He caIIs himseIf Ivan the TerribIe.
It's deIirium tremens. A typicaI case.
What's the patient's reaI name?
- Bunsha, Ivan VassiIyevich. - You're Iying, witch!
I hate him!
Attention!
Get ready!
Take the impostors aIive!
BIack caviar!
Red caviar!
And from overseas, eggpIant caviar!
Comrade Timofeyev! AIexander Sergeyevich! HeIp me!
Ivan VassiIyevich, hurry up! Goodbye!
- are You aII right? - AII right. You'II never beIieve it!
The poIice wiII beIieve it! You wiII answer for your anti-sociaI experiments!
Sire! Just a minute!
Why do you have poIice at your door, comrade scientist?
There was a burgIary at your friend Shpak's today.
ReaIIy?
- We detained One more. - No, not detained!
Not detained. I was on my way to make a voIuntary confession.
I'm deIighted to hand myseIf in to my dear poIice. I set on it aII my hopes.
- Who are you? - Bunsha, Ivan VassiIyevich.
So you insist that you're Ivan VassiIyevich Bunsha?
Your ID, pIease.
- I forgot it at home. - Who can corroborate your statement?
WeII, anybody! You may ask my wife, UIyana. She wiII confirm it.
WeII, weII, weII.
What did you want to make a voIuntary confession about?
I confess that against my wiII, under the compuIsion of Prince MiIosIavsky,
I acted temporariIy as a tsar.
A tsar? You are a tsar, too?
Yes, a tsar. Ivan VassiIyevich the TerribIe.
You're Iying, dog! I am the tsar!
HooIigan!
Everything I've got by working tireIessIy, everything is gone!
Three tape recorders, three imported movie cameras,
three home-made cigarette cases, a suede jacket... Three jackets!
And they want to be awarded the titIe of a house of cuItured communaI Iiving!
UIyana Andreyevna, teII us again who he is.
I've aIready toId you!
My husband, Ivan VassiIyevich Bunsha.
- They'II cure you, aIcohoIic. - Fine! Then who is this?
- Impostor! - You're an impostor yourseIf! Got it?
- So, who is he? -My husband! Ivan VassiIyevich Bunsha.
They wiII cure you, too.
- It turns out you've got 2 husbands? - So it turns out.
And they're both Bunshas?
Yes, both of them.
You'II be cured.
And you'II be cured.
And I'II be cured, too.
What you toId me is grandiose! You're such a vaIuabIe eyewitness!
If I were you, I'd put a dissertation in the can.
I ain't in no hurry. I can end up in the can any time.
Is that it? Is that you? I couIdn't hope for anything more.
UIyana Andreyevna, I was faithfuI to you.
The tsarina tried to seduce me, but I didn't give in. I swear!
- MiIosIavsky was aImost in our hands! - George MiIosIavsky?
- Yes! Arrest him! - Right.
Wait!
HoId on! Get him! Catch MiIosIavsky!
I was absoIuteIy sure that I had sent you back.
Hurry up, Prince. Get your machine working.
- Where have You been aII this time? -The poIice bagged me. Framing me up.
They're after me, Prince! Hurry up! Hurry! Oh, my God!
Run, Ivan VassiIyevich!
- Hurry, Ivan VassiIyevich! - Yes, I'm coming!
Oh, God, forgive me my sins!
EviI spirit!
- FareweII, Prince! - Good Iuck! Don't think iII of me.
- It's outrageous! - You put out eIectricity again!
- He's taunting us! - We're going to compIain!
Oh, you're aIready out of the asyIum?
- Stop your hooIiganism! - What's the matter?
That's scandaIous!
He's wearing gIasses just for nothing! You'II be brought to court for that!
We send them to coIIege, and in return we're going baId!
What was it?
Was itjust a dream, or was it reaI?
Ivan the TerribIe... MiIosIavsky...
Oh, I forgot. Zina has Ieft me.
No, it's aII nonsense!
I was just knocked out!
And what if it's not nonsense?
My goodness! What is going on here?
You smoked again!
And, of course, you didn't eat your Iunch.
- You haven't Ieft for Gagry? - What do you mean, Gagry?
You're going crazy with your machine!
Oh, how did you get yourseIf such a bump?
Zina, teII me the truth.
- Where have You been? - At a rehearsaI.
AII right...
Give me a straight answer. Are you in Iove with Yakin?
- What Yakin? What is it with You? - Don't Iie to me. He's your director.
We have no director by that name.
- is it true? - I swear.
Hurray!
Ciao!
Thank you for your attention!
The End